My mind is like muddy water with the sunrise, I'm still lost in the wild possibilities of my dreams. And so it takes some time for the gratitude to take hold and remind me of my blessings. I hate waking up on the fringe of disappointment and unmet demands. Let me dream! I keep a journal under my bed. This morning I opened it up to a passage I had quoted last fall after my previous relationship ended.
'Therefore, despite all her excellence and the admiration of everything on earth, she was regulated to live out her life in an eternal moment of frustrated possibility and desire that could never find a home.'
I am truly not a pessimistic person, quite the opposite, I see the best in everyone and every situation. I think that's what causes me so much frustration, I'm assuming others are seeing the same in me. A man once ended our relationship because I was "too pretty and too nice". Is there really such a thing as too-good-to-be-true? Do we need more flaws for others to see the humanness in us and feel safer with their own imperfectness? What if imperfections weren't labeled as such? What if we all allowed ourselves, our lovers, children and parents to be exactly perfect the way they are? Every human quality is an expression of the Divine, even the ugly ones. And how can anything Divine be less than wonderful? I've loved the men in my life, but that love has only grown into something deeper once, and the reason had nothing to do with time like one might think. And yes, I believe in love at first site...it's a Karmic thing. Loving is so easy for me, like I said I see the best in people. So I love them when their irresponsible because I can see the child that wants to be free. I love them when their jealous because I see I'm already of value. I love them when their angry because I know they're really just vulnerable. Before you think I've lost my mind know that there has to be balance, any of these emotions in excess will hurt and destroy what's cherished the most. So the point...perfection. We are all perfect and the goal isn't to go naively through life with rose colored glasses on but to learn to see the essence, the soul if you will, in those around you. We are not all good fits for one another but we all have something to bring to the table and teach. And the lessons, if we're paying attention, always teach us more about ourselves.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The moment we set off in search of love, it sets off in search of us. And saves us. I'd rather be a fountain that overflows than a cistern that merely contains. Where is the joy in trying to explain why or how you feel? Live everything intensely and treasure what you feel as a gift from Spirit. As children we had nothing to lose and we had everything. Pleasures were simple, relationships uncomplicated, emotions unquestioned. It was enough to lay on the lawn with our dreams.
Monday, August 17, 2009
It's been so long since I've updated this site! I recently took my little monkeys to Acadia National Park. It was beautiful! We rented a house on a quarry and surrounding the water were various rock sculptures that the property owner had carved and birds of every song. I saw my first eagle! A very significant event for me. While the eagle was circling I sent up a prayers of love and gratitude for the land and a prayer of surrender to Spirit. Surrender... It's absolutely terrifying to let go of what you dearly want. You must calmly go to a sacred place and put on a cloak of faith. I had been involved with a man that I had grown to care about in a few short weeks. I spent many minutes during my retreat feeling pleased with myself for having taken the initiative to know him. And it did take initiative, I wasn't eager to risk getting hurt again. Prior to meeting him I had been in a good place... I wasn't lonely... I wasn't needy... I wasn't pre-occupied. I had been content to date casually and enjoy the different people I was meeting. Anyway, ( there is a point to all this) I was sitting out on the quarry glad to have found someone I was interested in beyond dinner. And while I was thanking Spirit I was surrendering as well. The very next day, the day I came home, he ended the relationship. Ugh! Never saw it coming. So I sobbed for hours, not because I had been in love but from the disappointment and frustration of it all. I felt betrayed my own foolish heart. I was angry, defiant and felt sorry for myself. Then while sitting out on my roof to watch the sunrise, I remembered those prayers I had sent up. Ah, yes...I did agree to this ending on some level energetically. So what was the point to another heartbreak? Where's the lesson? To quote from Paulo Coehlo ' Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken to it. But in order to do that we need the other person.' I now love myself a tiny bit more. I love that I didn't shy away from a new experience. I love my courage, my openness, that my spirit hasn't been broken. I love my fragility. And I love that I'm not intimidated by rejection or indifference. Love is like looking at the same mountain from different angles. Do I wish I loved myself a little bit less right now and was still with my boyfriend? Sure, I'm only human. But since that wasn't in the stars I might as well throw up my hands, surrender, and heart me a little bit more.
* photo by G. Kai