Love and Surrender

It's been so long since I've updated this site! I recently took my little monkeys to Acadia National Park. It was beautiful! We rented a house on a quarry and surrounding the water were various rock sculptures that the property owner had carved and birds of every song. I saw my first eagle! A very significant event for me. While the eagle was circling I sent up a prayers of love and gratitude for the land and a prayer of surrender to Spirit. Surrender... It's absolutely terrifying to let go of what you dearly want. You must calmly go to a sacred place and put on a cloak of faith. I had been involved with a man that I had grown to care about in a few short weeks. I spent many minutes during my retreat feeling pleased with myself for having taken the initiative to know him. And it did take initiative, I wasn't eager to risk getting hurt again. Prior to meeting him I had been in a good place... I wasn't lonely... I wasn't needy... I wasn't pre-occupied. I had been content to date casually and enjoy the different people I was meeting. Anyway, ( there is a point to all this) I was sitting out on the quarry glad to have found someone I was interested in beyond dinner. And while I was thanking Spirit I was surrendering as well. The very next day, the day I came home, he ended the relationship. Ugh! Never saw it coming. So I sobbed for hours, not because I had been in love but from the disappointment and frustration of it all. I felt betrayed my own foolish heart. I was angry, defiant and felt sorry for myself. Then while sitting out on my roof to watch the sunrise, I remembered those prayers I had sent up. Ah, yes...I did agree to this ending on some level energetically. So what was the point to another heartbreak? Where's the lesson? To quote from Paulo Coehlo ' Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken to it. But in order to do that we need the other person.' I now love myself a tiny bit more. I love that I didn't shy away from a new experience. I love my courage, my openness, that my spirit hasn't been broken. I love my fragility. And I love that I'm not intimidated by rejection or indifference. Love is like looking at the same mountain from different angles. Do I wish I loved myself a little bit less right now and was still with my boyfriend? Sure, I'm only human. But since that wasn't in the stars I might as well throw up my hands, surrender, and heart me a little bit more.

* photo by G. Kai